I saw the specialist today - one of the top doctors in Germany for Breast Cancer. What I can tell you is:
Had a bit of a scare yesterday - actually, quite a scare - about midway through the day I started shivering uncontrollably. I had on three pairs of socks, a hat, two jackets - and I still couldn't break the chill. Eventually I got into bed under four blankets and with a little space heater turned up full blast - after about an hour, it got a little better.
I wasn't running a fever so I didn't immediately go to the hospital, despite my doctor's recommendation - it would have meant calling Wendy and having her return from work early on a day I know she had a ton of things to finish. And she would have done it without a second thought or complaint - but who WANTS to go to a hospital? So I decided to sit it out and see.
The girls took really good care of me - mostly because I made it their chore (meaning they didn't have to clean anything else before dinner.) Evelyn decided I needed a hat, so she brought me her "Drama Queen" had and earmuffs. She even let me use her poop emjoi blanket when the four I already had over me weren't enough. It was actually really sweet.
Wendy came home and shortly after I went to bed - I could barely get up the stairs without passing out, and I just kept saying "This is WEIRD." And still no fever. A few hours later, I woke up sweating horribly under my hoard of blankets - and nothing I did could get my body to cool down. I opened the windows, laid on the cold floor and turned on a fan until I felt comfortable enough to go back to sleep with a single blanket.
This morning, everything hurts - probably from 16 hours of uncontrollable shivering - and I have a raging headache. But I'm not plagued with chills or hot flashes at the moment, and so the trip to the hospital is off the table (thankfully!)
That's the thing that I find hardest about post-cancer care - EVERYTHING scares you. Things you would have brushed off before cancer suddenly cause you to question your health in the scariest of ways.
I'm not complaining - just sharing parts of my story. Maybe they'll help someone else - maybe it's just helpful to me to express them.
So, I've been in Germany over a month now - it's been filled with ups and downs like anything else in life. I've caught everything the girls have brought home from school and been quarantined by the Garrison twice. But I haven't caught COVID and I'm continuing to grow my hair back and feel more "normal" every day.
Today I got a call from the doctor in Stuttgart letting me know that the results of my bloodwork were not good. Although a year without fried food did GREAT THINGS for my cholesterol, and I wasn't at risk for Diabetes at present - I have developed Neutropenia. This is not uncommon after chemotherapy - basically your body doesn't regenerate white blood cells the way it should - so you're susceptible to anything and everything, which then becomes a potentially life threatening issue. "Any fever should take you straight to the emergency room, and you need to tell them you have neutropenia - although their blood work will show that." She also warned me that COVID would almost certainly NOT turn out well for me.
Take this news on the day that thousands of Germans are standing before the Brandenburg Gate without masks protesting that their rights are being violated by trying to force mask requirements and social distancing. It's a TERRIFYING place to be. Although I'm extremely good about wearing my mask and avoiding others, it's alarming to see how many people simply refuse as a matter of "right" without thinking about how it potentially affects others.
Now I say this with caution - because I DO believe that my safety is firstly MY responsibility, and I don't go places where there are hoards of people - especially people without masks. But still - when did being a decent human being become a violation of someone's rights? I'm really struggling with that.
I'm being asked to share an office with another person - someone who doesn't believe that he should be required to wear a mask - EVER. And it scares me more than a little. I want to respect his beliefs, and support him - but I DON'T want to share an office with him if it puts my life at risk.
So many thoughts - so much emotion right now. It's going to be a battle to stay healthy for the next year - and to make sure I'm eating cleanly and staying as healthy as I can. I'm doing that. Because there's SO, SO much to look forward to in this life. So many friends I want to hug - so many babies I want to kiss - so many places I want to see.......
