Things Get Harder Before They Get Easier - Life in Recovery

I don't really like to use the term "post-addiction" because if you've got an addictive personality, the danger is always there - whether you're falling back into old behaviors (alcohol) or learning new cross-addictions (like food, prescription drugs, online shopping, online gambling, gaming, etc.)  Recovery is a reality, however, and it IS possible to change the soul-sucking hold that addiction can have on a person.

What they don't tell you is that leaving your preferred substance behind is the easy part.  (Anyone in active addiction is probably yelling at their monitor right now because there is NOTHING easy about quitting) I think I mentioned in my last post that trying to rebuild relationships that I've lost and earning the trust of the people that watched me lie for years is ROUGH.   I mean, seriously rough.  Not having the blinders on to the carnage that your behaviors caused is a very rude awakening to the heart.

Beyond that, though, I've been really struggling with emotional responsiveness.  How do you deal with anger and frustration when you're not simply drinking the problem away for the day - how do you confront the feelings that you've having, even when they're icky, without jumping down the throat of whomever is closest?  This is the phase of recovery that I'm in now - and I couldn't be more grateful for it, despite the pain.  There have been a few inappropriate outbursts that had to be immediately brought back and explained - and those closest to me have been very kind and accommodating with my requests for a "do-over" when this happens.  It's a process - and one I didn't expect to be learning at my age.  (Heather, these are the same things you're probably teaching to your grade school aged daughter - so please throw any good Mom tips my way).

There have also been some pretty amazing achievements in this journey.  I'm half-way to my goal weight after two months, and though the weight loss should start to gradually slow - I already feel so much healthier and can lead the active energized life I've been dreaming of.  My art has completely changed - I've tapped into creativity that's been asleep for over a decade, and it's bringing me wonderful moments of joy.  There have been minor victories - for example, last night I was really angry during my art class because all of the tools and equipment I wanted to use were "reserved" for the beginning students.  (Before you start to share in my rage, recognize that this IS a beginner class and a completely realistic expectation that I hadn't thought of before getting utterly ticked off.)  I decided to go home instead of working on something I wasn't interested in and stopped at the grocery store on the way to pick up some Almond Milk.  In the past, this would have been a veiled excuse to pick up wine - especially when I was angry.  But this time, I walked by the wine section and said to myself, "It'll only make you feel like crap tomorrow and you won't sleep well." and carried on to the checkout counter.

Yes, it's such a minor thing - but to me it was a HUGE victory - proof that my neural pathways are starting to think more logically and realistically.  (Except, of course, when I'm having to cope with those outbursts.....sigh)

All in all, my life has gotten so much better.  My outlook has gotten so much better.  The relationships that still exist have gotten SO. MUCH. BETTER.  So I'm grateful even when I'm struggling to figure out why I want to pound my fists into the wall over something unimportant.  I'm grateful even when I'm crying like a five-year-old for not getting something that I want.  Especially when I look around me and recognize the distance I've come versus the distance ahead.

When things feel a little overwhelming.....well......

Baby Steps - YouTube

Ketamine vs The Power of Addiction - Jan 11, 2024

In November, I had the opportunity to spend a weekend with some of the ladies I love most on this earth - my Tribe.  We all flew out to New Orleans (except Riggs who managed to catch Covid at the WORST time!) and stayed at an Air B&B I found online.

There were some INCREDIBLE memories from that trip - the Sunday morning drag brunch - Priest Robi's Voodoo Tour - Swamp Tour - Creole Cooking Class.  But truly, it's the company that makes the trip worthwhile.  An eclectic group of incredible women from across the country (and Ireland, if Valerie had made it) getting together for the sole purpose of enjoying ourselves without the pressure of being full-time employees, moms and crisis counselors.

But here's the thing - I went on this trip COMPLETELY in crisis.  

I've not made a secret of the fact that I've struggled with addiction for several years.  I tried in-patient rehab.  I tried out-patient rehab.  I tried abstinence.  I tried gradual shut down.  I read book after book - but as optimistic as I portrayed my progress, I'm no different than any other addict.  Deep down you LOATHE the addiction but you don't really want to stop because it's the longest standing relationship you've had in your life - and one that won't leave you until you're six feet under.

The recent death of Matthew Perry made me want to post and speak out a bit about MY journey with ketamine plus psychotherapy.  After doing my best to pretend that I was okay, I think I had one of the most epic meltdowns of my life.  Gonna spare you the details - but trust me - I drank enough wine to ruin the Georgetown Rugby team for a weekend.  

After a discussion with my tribe, I knew that something was going to change - either I was going to find my way to normalcy or I was going to take a quick katabasis down to the river Styx and throw myself in.  Fortunately, with the encouragement and advice of some remarkable therapists - I found my way to the Novacure Ketamine Clinic only a week later.

From Psychiatry Today:

• Ketamine is a dissociative anesthetic that is thought to improve the brain's neuroplasticity and was legalized for therapeutic benefits.
• Ketamine has also been found effective in combating treatment-resistant depression, PTSD, and anxiety.
• Ketamine is not 100 percent effective and is usually rather expensive (at least several hundred dollars a "session").
• Ketamine therapy is as much (if not more) about the “therapy” than it is about the “ketamine.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

I scheduled a consultation with the attending doctor and found a therapist who specializes in addiction, and I jumped in with both feet.  Thankfully, it has been life changing.  In fact, the progress has been so dramatic - this week my therapist and I started focusing on other areas (impulsivity, choice theory, emotional response, etc.)

I'm not touting it as a miracle cure - I'm declaring it as a miracle for me.  It helped me repave some of the neural pathways in my thinking on so many levels.  I don't really think about drinking now.  Full disclosure - I am allowed to drink on Saturdays as long as I don't go overboard, but that doesn't mean I do.  The knowledge in knowing I CAN if I put off that need for immediate gratification until Saturday has really helped me see that it never was a physical "need" - only a way to mask or dissociate from what I was feeling.  

Ketamine does that too - as does psilocybin (magic mushrooms) - but I've found that I don't really care for the psychedelic aspects of the treatment.  Granted, in one of my sessions I WAS able to taste the color red for the first time....but we dialed back the dose considerably after that!

It's just been a new way of looking at things - life, what I really want, how incredibly blessed I am.  And in that new and unfettered frame of mind - I was able to discover how much pain and hurt I caused those closest to me.  Not going to lie - when you're trying to QUIT a dissociative substance so you don't have to deal with things - coming to terms with REALITY can be a bitch.  But even in that pain that I have to face - and the massive amount of reparations that lie ahead - I'm SO grateful.  Nervous, but hopeful - VERY hopeful.

As far as Matthew Perry - I don't judge.  I just need everyone to understand that the amount of Ketamine that was found in his system during the autopsy was beyond excessive.  He had enough ketamine in his system to anesthetize a Clydesdale.  How or why is not my place to guess - I relate to him and his struggles (and his apparent attempt to hide continued addiction) and I pray for him.

For those of you that have seen my "hopeful" stages before and are asking why on earth you should believe what I'm telling you - you shouldn't.  Addicts lie.  And the thing they lie about most is their addiction.  Give it time.  Watch my actions.  Let me show you some consistency in discovering the real me underneath all that mess.

And when you're ready - reach out and let's talk about how I can make amends.  Let's talk about how I can be a positive factor in your life again.  Because that's the end goal.

If you're at all curious about ketamine as a treatment for depression, PTSD, chronic pain or addiction - I'd be happy to send you some links for you to do your own research.