65. Bumps in the Road - The Story of Life

 

Things really have been better - I feel amazing, my counselor and I have really been successful working through some of the significant grief issues that I've been facing.  Nobody teaches you how to grieve - and granted, it's a process that's different for everyone - but stuffing it down and pretending you're not bothered is absolutely not a healthy was to work on loss.  So as difficult as the process has been, I'm very grateful for her guidance.

I saw the oncologist - he's highly concerned because my white blood cells have gotten lower rather than improved, making my immune system even more fallible.

But I feel GREAT.

There's just a lurking undercurrent that catching Covid would have devastating results while my white blood cells remain at 1.2  (normal would be 4 - 11) so I continue my isolation whenever possible and mask up whenever I'm out of the house.

Next step is going to be a bone marrow biopsy to see if the chemo/radiation damaged my bone marrow.  Which doesn't sound like a great deal of fun - in fact, I'm REALLY not looking forward to it.  At all.

But I think about the ongoing issues, and I know that despite the rising costs - I'm in a job that affords me decent insurance.  I'm not at risk of losing my house if I'm taking care of my health.  For that, I am EXTREMELY fortunate.

Since I'm isolated at home - I get alot of painting done, I do alot of pottery, I am reading books again just for the love of it - which has lowered my stress level and increased my mindfulness.  But it does make for a very dull blog.  (And I'm okay with that!)

64. Steps in the RIGHT direction

Last year, in the midst of a pandemic, I was blessed with the most amazing support from friends - from coworkers - from my boss & his boss. Battling cancer through chemo and radiation was just something you do - like getting dressed in the morning - there's no emotion to it, it's what you do if you want to live.

But being home - you're not hearing from friends & family so regularly to see how you're doing, because you DON'T have cancer anymore. All good, right? Not really. Cancer causes significant PTSD - I spent days worrying and nights not sleeping wondering whether or not it will return. Trying to adjust to the lack of communication, the isolation of the pandemic in a new town where I don't have alot of friends, hiding in my cave of fear and adapting to the stress of a new job, a major home repair, a sick pet, the side effects of my cancer maintenance drugs - it's been tougher than all of last year combined.

- I've started talking to a counselor to work through the fear and anxiety of wondering if it will return. - I've started working out and eating more cleanly (which has helped FAR more than I anticipated).

- I've signed up for monthly massages, because that's my favorite form of self-care.

- I'm doing WELL. But it took some time to mentally get myself here. (And alot of help from my bestie, who knows when I'm struggling even if I don't communicate it)

Some good news:

- My shoulder won't need surgery thanks to an amazing physical therapist and orthopedic doctor

- My dog has recovered from breast cancer surgery (she's still blind and deaf, but it hardly slows her down)

- My kitchen is absolutely beautiful - worth the pain and agony of the six months repair work

- Eating cleanly is having a positive effect on my waistline

So thank you to everyone for your amazing support - and thank you for your patience as I disappeared for awhile. I'm taking better care of me so I'll be around to take care of all of you when you're going through struggles. Please don't hesitate to reach out - we're a tribe. We will see each other through and be stronger for it.

63. Lions and Tigers and Bears (a.k.a. Concussions, torn muscles and bruises)

 After spending most of last year in various hospitals and clinics, I have been VERY MUCH looking forward to some relaxation on my return to the United States.

However, relaxation wasn't quite in my cards.

Since I returned in January, I've had a concussion, a torn intercostal muscle in my chest, a mangled toe that will require surgery, a torn rotator cuff AND bicep tendon tear (which will also likely require surgery), another abnormal mammogram that had me in tears for three days (everything is all right at the moment).

NOT THE  RELAXING RECOVERY YEAR I had in mind.  

The home repairs have skyrocketed from $30k to $102,000 - which I don't have  (these are the joys of buying an older home).

My dog has just been diagnosed for a second time with breast cancer.

My brother has disowned my sister (and possibly me as well).

It's as if I can't catch a break.

And yet.....

My garden is blossoming.

My home is being repaired and will be beautiful when completed - we'll figure out the financing later.

I'm getting stronger every day.

Pottery classes are the bomb.

I love my job.

I truly have the most remarkable friends on this earth.

There is just SO MUCH to be grateful for - this is something that hit home when I was going through chemo and radiation - I am so incredibly fortunate in so many ways, that it's hard to get caught up in the tough stuff - even when it feels insurmountable at times.

Things are never going to be EASY.  Things are never going to be PERFECT.  I don't have any rich elderly relatives that are going to leave me their millions.  (Although, hey - Bill Gates is back on the market now, ladies, amIright?)

But life is good.  Life is really good.  And even though I'm limping, and in a sling, and feeling like I'm about 80 - I'm loving each and every day that I've been given since cancer.

Find something good today.  Find something to be grateful for.  Something to be happy about.  Something to look forward to.  It makes all the difference in the world.