I don't really like to use the term "post-addiction" because if you've got an addictive personality, the danger is always there - whether you're falling back into old behaviors (alcohol) or learning new cross-addictions (like food, prescription drugs, online shopping, online gambling, gaming, etc.) Recovery is a reality, however, and it IS possible to change the soul-sucking hold that addiction can have on a person.
What they don't tell you is that leaving your preferred substance behind is the easy part. (Anyone in active addiction is probably yelling at their monitor right now because there is NOTHING easy about quitting) I think I mentioned in my last post that trying to rebuild relationships that I've lost and earning the trust of the people that watched me lie for years is ROUGH. I mean, seriously rough. Not having the blinders on to the carnage that your behaviors caused is a very rude awakening to the heart.
Beyond that, though, I've been really struggling with emotional responsiveness. How do you deal with anger and frustration when you're not simply drinking the problem away for the day - how do you confront the feelings that you've having, even when they're icky, without jumping down the throat of whomever is closest? This is the phase of recovery that I'm in now - and I couldn't be more grateful for it, despite the pain. There have been a few inappropriate outbursts that had to be immediately brought back and explained - and those closest to me have been very kind and accommodating with my requests for a "do-over" when this happens. It's a process - and one I didn't expect to be learning at my age. (Heather, these are the same things you're probably teaching to your grade school aged daughter - so please throw any good Mom tips my way).
There have also been some pretty amazing achievements in this journey. I'm half-way to my goal weight after two months, and though the weight loss should start to gradually slow - I already feel so much healthier and can lead the active energized life I've been dreaming of. My art has completely changed - I've tapped into creativity that's been asleep for over a decade, and it's bringing me wonderful moments of joy. There have been minor victories - for example, last night I was really angry during my art class because all of the tools and equipment I wanted to use were "reserved" for the beginning students. (Before you start to share in my rage, recognize that this IS a beginner class and a completely realistic expectation that I hadn't thought of before getting utterly ticked off.) I decided to go home instead of working on something I wasn't interested in and stopped at the grocery store on the way to pick up some Almond Milk. In the past, this would have been a veiled excuse to pick up wine - especially when I was angry. But this time, I walked by the wine section and said to myself, "It'll only make you feel like crap tomorrow and you won't sleep well." and carried on to the checkout counter.
Yes, it's such a minor thing - but to me it was a HUGE victory - proof that my neural pathways are starting to think more logically and realistically. (Except, of course, when I'm having to cope with those outbursts.....sigh)
All in all, my life has gotten so much better. My outlook has gotten so much better. The relationships that still exist have gotten SO. MUCH. BETTER. So I'm grateful even when I'm struggling to figure out why I want to pound my fists into the wall over something unimportant. I'm grateful even when I'm crying like a five-year-old for not getting something that I want. Especially when I look around me and recognize the distance I've come versus the distance ahead.
When things feel a little overwhelming.....well......
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