In November, I had the opportunity to spend a weekend with some of the ladies I love most on this earth - my Tribe. We all flew out to New Orleans (except Riggs who managed to catch Covid at the WORST time!) and stayed at an Air B&B I found online.
There were some INCREDIBLE memories from that trip - the Sunday morning drag brunch - Priest Robi's Voodoo Tour - Swamp Tour - Creole Cooking Class. But truly, it's the company that makes the trip worthwhile. An eclectic group of incredible women from across the country (and Ireland, if Valerie had made it) getting together for the sole purpose of enjoying ourselves without the pressure of being full-time employees, moms and crisis counselors.
But here's the thing - I went on this trip COMPLETELY in crisis.
I've not made a secret of the fact that I've struggled with addiction for several years. I tried in-patient rehab. I tried out-patient rehab. I tried abstinence. I tried gradual shut down. I read book after book - but as optimistic as I portrayed my progress, I'm no different than any other addict. Deep down you LOATHE the addiction but you don't really want to stop because it's the longest standing relationship you've had in your life - and one that won't leave you until you're six feet under.
The recent death of Matthew Perry made me want to post and speak out a bit about MY journey with ketamine plus psychotherapy. After doing my best to pretend that I was okay, I think I had one of the most epic meltdowns of my life. Gonna spare you the details - but trust me - I drank enough wine to ruin the Georgetown Rugby team for a weekend.
After a discussion with my tribe, I knew that something was going to change - either I was going to find my way to normalcy or I was going to take a quick katabasis down to the river Styx and throw myself in. Fortunately, with the encouragement and advice of some remarkable therapists - I found my way to the Novacure Ketamine Clinic only a week later.
From Psychiatry Today:
- Ketamine is a dissociative anesthetic that is thought to improve the brain's neuroplasticity and was legalized for therapeutic benefits.
- Ketamine has also been found effective in combating treatment-resistant depression, PTSD, and anxiety.
- Ketamine is not 100 percent effective and is usually rather expensive (at least several hundred dollars a "session").
- Ketamine therapy is as much (if not more) about the “therapy” than it is about the “ketamine.”
I scheduled a consultation with the attending doctor and found a therapist who specializes in addiction, and I jumped in with both feet. Thankfully, it has been life changing. In fact, the progress has been so dramatic - this week my therapist and I started focusing on other areas (impulsivity, choice theory, emotional response, etc.)
I'm not touting it as a miracle cure - I'm declaring it as a miracle for me. It helped me repave some of the neural pathways in my thinking on so many levels. I don't really think about drinking now. Full disclosure - I am allowed to drink on Saturdays as long as I don't go overboard, but that doesn't mean I do. The knowledge in knowing I CAN if I put off that need for immediate gratification until Saturday has really helped me see that it never was a physical "need" - only a way to mask or dissociate from what I was feeling.
Ketamine does that too - as does psilocybin (magic mushrooms) - but I've found that I don't really care for the psychedelic aspects of the treatment. Granted, in one of my sessions I WAS able to taste the color red for the first time....but we dialed back the dose considerably after that!
It's just been a new way of looking at things - life, what I really want, how incredibly blessed I am. And in that new and unfettered frame of mind - I was able to discover how much pain and hurt I caused those closest to me. Not going to lie - when you're trying to QUIT a dissociative substance so you don't have to deal with things - coming to terms with REALITY can be a bitch. But even in that pain that I have to face - and the massive amount of reparations that lie ahead - I'm SO grateful. Nervous, but hopeful - VERY hopeful.
As far as Matthew Perry - I don't judge. I just need everyone to understand that the amount of Ketamine that was found in his system during the autopsy was beyond excessive. He had enough ketamine in his system to anesthetize a Clydesdale. How or why is not my place to guess - I relate to him and his struggles (and his apparent attempt to hide continued addiction) and I pray for him.
For those of you that have seen my "hopeful" stages before and are asking why on earth you should believe what I'm telling you - you shouldn't. Addicts lie. And the thing they lie about most is their addiction. Give it time. Watch my actions. Let me show you some consistency in discovering the real me underneath all that mess.
And when you're ready - reach out and let's talk about how I can make amends. Let's talk about how I can be a positive factor in your life again. Because that's the end goal.
If you're at all curious about ketamine as a treatment for depression, PTSD, chronic pain or addiction - I'd be happy to send you some links for you to do your own research.
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