A NEW JOURNEY - 5/14/22
I've been debating whether or not to blog - now that my blood cells are in much better shape, and I've been fully vaccinated and boostered - I'm starting on another new adventure. The journey to sobriety.
Most of my friends don't know the struggles I've had with alcohol (specifically wine) for the past several years. It began when John committed suicide ten years ago - I was in Europe, I was on my own, I didn't have any of the coping skills or mechanisms I needed to deal with that much emotion so I simply drown it out. I drank it away.
Over the course of ten years, the problem worsened - I won't go into those details, we all deal with life's traumas (and there have been many). I'd quit for awhile, and then turn back to alcohol when things got too difficult. And the worst part is I continued to do this KNOWING that the wine was a significant factor in my cancer. KNOWING that the chance of a relapse increased with every drink. That's the power of addiction - it affects your brain in ways that non-addicts don't understand. It's not just a matter of quitting - because in the midst of the drinking, I couldn't think clearly to make better choices.
Now I'm in a program, and I'm thriving - it seems that the time is right to make some changes. As part of this program, we do have homework - and I'm going to share that here. If you're not interested in this journey - I'm not offended at all. But I feel like writing it down will manifest my truth and assist me in recovering, so here we go...
The PAYOFFS of Drinking:
1) It relaxes me emotionally
2) It makes me feel numb / there's no emotional or physical pain
3) I don't have to be in charge of everything & can avoid difficult responsibilities
4) It's comfortable - it was a daily habit for a long time
5) It helped me survive cancer, the loss of my father, the deaths of my cancer buddy Ben, my friend Barbara, and my beloved Princess Peanut.
6) It helps me poop. Yes, that's true - it's a gastric bypass thing.
7) It relaxes my muscles - sometimes so much that I end up sleeping in weird frat boy passed out at a party positions, which really sucks the next day
8) I have less anxiety with a drink in my hand
9) The "forbidden fruit" of alcohol having been raised in a strict religious home feels deliciously wicked.
10) I love the taste of really good wine.
The COSTS of drinking:
1) Weight gain. So. Much. Weight.
2) Financial - so much WASTED money over the years
3) I lie when I drink and I lie about my drinking
4) Clueless about my level of intoxication - I honestly believe I'm sober when science proves that I am not
5) I can't remember what I said, what I did, or what I purchased on Amazon the night before
6) Not sure who to apologize to or what for the next day
7) Drunken Facebook posts = BAD
8) I'm not available to friends and family when they need me - I'm "spaced out"
9) Wine was a significant factor in my cancer - it didn't cause it, but it's definitely why it spread so quickly according to my oncologist
10) Health - wine affects my bloodwork. It only returned to normal when I was sober
11) Sleep - I don't have quality sleep after drinking alcohol - I wake up at 4 a.m.
12) I belch alot. It's gross. We're not even going to talk about wine farts.
13) Lost trust with friends and family
14) I can be a real ass when I'm drinking - you never know if you're going to get Jekyll or Hyde
15) Balance - I've had three bad falls in the last year with long term physical consequences. If I hadn't had wine, maybe I could have avoided the dogs that are continually trying to trip me.
16) I can't drive myself or others to the hospital in an emergency
17) Wine changes my attitude - I'm lazy, more paranoid and pessimistic - definitely not myself
18) I can't afford really good wine
19) I don't care about any of these costs after the first drink
20) It's never just one drink.
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