65. Bumps in the Road - The Story of Life

 

Things really have been better - I feel amazing, my counselor and I have really been successful working through some of the significant grief issues that I've been facing.  Nobody teaches you how to grieve - and granted, it's a process that's different for everyone - but stuffing it down and pretending you're not bothered is absolutely not a healthy was to work on loss.  So as difficult as the process has been, I'm very grateful for her guidance.

I saw the oncologist - he's highly concerned because my white blood cells have gotten lower rather than improved, making my immune system even more fallible.

But I feel GREAT.

There's just a lurking undercurrent that catching Covid would have devastating results while my white blood cells remain at 1.2  (normal would be 4 - 11) so I continue my isolation whenever possible and mask up whenever I'm out of the house.

Next step is going to be a bone marrow biopsy to see if the chemo/radiation damaged my bone marrow.  Which doesn't sound like a great deal of fun - in fact, I'm REALLY not looking forward to it.  At all.

But I think about the ongoing issues, and I know that despite the rising costs - I'm in a job that affords me decent insurance.  I'm not at risk of losing my house if I'm taking care of my health.  For that, I am EXTREMELY fortunate.

Since I'm isolated at home - I get alot of painting done, I do alot of pottery, I am reading books again just for the love of it - which has lowered my stress level and increased my mindfulness.  But it does make for a very dull blog.  (And I'm okay with that!)

64. Steps in the RIGHT direction

Last year, in the midst of a pandemic, I was blessed with the most amazing support from friends - from coworkers - from my boss & his boss. Battling cancer through chemo and radiation was just something you do - like getting dressed in the morning - there's no emotion to it, it's what you do if you want to live.

But being home - you're not hearing from friends & family so regularly to see how you're doing, because you DON'T have cancer anymore. All good, right? Not really. Cancer causes significant PTSD - I spent days worrying and nights not sleeping wondering whether or not it will return. Trying to adjust to the lack of communication, the isolation of the pandemic in a new town where I don't have alot of friends, hiding in my cave of fear and adapting to the stress of a new job, a major home repair, a sick pet, the side effects of my cancer maintenance drugs - it's been tougher than all of last year combined.

- I've started talking to a counselor to work through the fear and anxiety of wondering if it will return. - I've started working out and eating more cleanly (which has helped FAR more than I anticipated).

- I've signed up for monthly massages, because that's my favorite form of self-care.

- I'm doing WELL. But it took some time to mentally get myself here. (And alot of help from my bestie, who knows when I'm struggling even if I don't communicate it)

Some good news:

- My shoulder won't need surgery thanks to an amazing physical therapist and orthopedic doctor

- My dog has recovered from breast cancer surgery (she's still blind and deaf, but it hardly slows her down)

- My kitchen is absolutely beautiful - worth the pain and agony of the six months repair work

- Eating cleanly is having a positive effect on my waistline

So thank you to everyone for your amazing support - and thank you for your patience as I disappeared for awhile. I'm taking better care of me so I'll be around to take care of all of you when you're going through struggles. Please don't hesitate to reach out - we're a tribe. We will see each other through and be stronger for it.

63. Lions and Tigers and Bears (a.k.a. Concussions, torn muscles and bruises)

 After spending most of last year in various hospitals and clinics, I have been VERY MUCH looking forward to some relaxation on my return to the United States.

However, relaxation wasn't quite in my cards.

Since I returned in January, I've had a concussion, a torn intercostal muscle in my chest, a mangled toe that will require surgery, a torn rotator cuff AND bicep tendon tear (which will also likely require surgery), another abnormal mammogram that had me in tears for three days (everything is all right at the moment).

NOT THE  RELAXING RECOVERY YEAR I had in mind.  

The home repairs have skyrocketed from $30k to $102,000 - which I don't have  (these are the joys of buying an older home).

My dog has just been diagnosed for a second time with breast cancer.

My brother has disowned my sister (and possibly me as well).

It's as if I can't catch a break.

And yet.....

My garden is blossoming.

My home is being repaired and will be beautiful when completed - we'll figure out the financing later.

I'm getting stronger every day.

Pottery classes are the bomb.

I love my job.

I truly have the most remarkable friends on this earth.

There is just SO MUCH to be grateful for - this is something that hit home when I was going through chemo and radiation - I am so incredibly fortunate in so many ways, that it's hard to get caught up in the tough stuff - even when it feels insurmountable at times.

Things are never going to be EASY.  Things are never going to be PERFECT.  I don't have any rich elderly relatives that are going to leave me their millions.  (Although, hey - Bill Gates is back on the market now, ladies, amIright?)

But life is good.  Life is really good.  And even though I'm limping, and in a sling, and feeling like I'm about 80 - I'm loving each and every day that I've been given since cancer.

Find something good today.  Find something to be grateful for.  Something to be happy about.  Something to look forward to.  It makes all the difference in the world.

62. The Specialist

 I saw the specialist today - one of the top doctors in Germany for Breast Cancer. What I can tell you is:

1) I'm not imminently in danger, despite my white blood cells - I just have to watch it and be safe

2) The VERY weird things I've been experiencing (hot flashes & chills, bone pain) are normal with the medicine I'm on

3) I'm not on that medicine anymore as of tomorrow

4) The doctor is RIDICULOUSLY good looking. And the fact that I noticed is a sign that my soul is not entirely dead.

61. Urgent Care

 

Had a bit of a scare yesterday - actually, quite a scare - about midway through the day I started shivering uncontrollably.  I had on three pairs of socks, a hat, two jackets - and I still couldn't break the chill.  Eventually I got into bed under four blankets and with a little space heater turned up full blast - after about an hour, it got a little better.

I wasn't running a fever so I didn't immediately go to the hospital, despite my doctor's recommendation - it would have meant calling Wendy and having her return from work early on a day I know she had a ton of things to finish.  And she would have done it without a second thought or complaint - but who WANTS to go to a hospital?  So I decided to sit it out and see.

The girls took really good care of me - mostly because I made it their chore (meaning they didn't have to clean anything else before dinner.)  Evelyn decided I needed a hat, so she brought me her "Drama Queen" had and earmuffs.  She even let me use her poop emjoi blanket when the four I already had over me weren't enough.  It was actually really sweet.

Wendy came home and shortly after I went to bed - I could barely get up the stairs without passing out, and I just kept saying "This is WEIRD."  And still no fever.  A few hours later, I woke up sweating horribly under my hoard of blankets - and nothing I did could get my body to cool down.  I opened the windows, laid on the cold floor and turned on a fan until I felt comfortable enough to go back to sleep with a single blanket.

This morning, everything hurts - probably from 16 hours of uncontrollable shivering - and I have a raging headache.  But I'm not plagued with chills or hot flashes at the moment, and so the trip to the hospital is off the table (thankfully!)

That's the thing that I find hardest about post-cancer care - EVERYTHING scares you.  Things you would have brushed off before cancer suddenly cause you to question your health in the scariest of ways.  

I'm not complaining - just sharing parts of my story.  Maybe they'll help someone else - maybe it's just helpful to me to express them.  

60. Progress report

 

So, I've been in Germany over a month now - it's been filled with ups and downs like anything else in life.  I've caught everything the girls have brought home from school and been quarantined by the Garrison twice.  But I haven't caught COVID and I'm continuing to grow my hair back and feel more "normal" every day.

Today I got a call from the doctor in Stuttgart letting me know that the results of my bloodwork were not good.  Although a year without fried food did GREAT THINGS for my cholesterol, and I wasn't at risk for Diabetes at present - I have developed Neutropenia.  This is not uncommon after chemotherapy - basically your body doesn't regenerate white blood cells the way it should - so you're susceptible to anything and everything, which then becomes a potentially life threatening issue.  "Any fever should take you straight to the emergency room, and you need to tell them you have neutropenia - although their blood work will show that."  She also warned me that COVID would almost certainly NOT turn out well for me.

Take this news on the day that thousands of Germans are standing before the Brandenburg Gate without masks protesting that their rights are being violated by trying to force mask requirements and social distancing.  It's a TERRIFYING place to be.  Although I'm extremely good about wearing my mask and avoiding others, it's alarming to see how many people simply refuse as a matter of "right" without thinking about how it potentially affects others.

Now I say this with caution - because I DO believe that my safety is firstly MY responsibility, and I don't go places where there are hoards of people - especially people without masks.  But still - when did being a decent human being become a violation of someone's rights?  I'm really struggling with that.  

I'm being asked to share an office with another person - someone who doesn't believe that he should be required to wear a mask - EVER.  And it scares me more than a little.  I want to respect his beliefs, and support him - but I DON'T want to share an office with him if it puts my life at risk.  

So many thoughts - so much emotion right now.  It's going to be a battle to stay healthy for the next year - and to make sure I'm eating cleanly and staying as healthy as I can.  I'm doing that.  Because there's SO, SO much to look forward to in this life.  So many friends I want to hug - so many babies I want to kiss - so many places I want to see.......

59. Aftermath

 

Much has changed in the past week.

First of all, I'm OUT of Kosovo and safely ensconced in my sister's house in Germany.  I've got another week of required quarantine, but it's been an awesome week so far thanks to my sister's pre-planning.  I've made homemade tzatziki, swiss zucchini rolls, coconut shrimp - it's been a week of fresh fruit and vegetables without a SINGLE use of the microwave.  I feel like I'm in heaven after 8 months of eating in my barracks room.

Secondly, there's a BATHTUB - although i haven't been able to take one yet due to the third degree burns I suffered during radiation therapy.  They got much, much worse after my last treatment - the skin turned black, and blistered in other places - and the pain has been so great I can hardly walk around.  But after a week, it's starting to get a little better and I managed to get a full night of sleep for the first time last night.  There is DEFINITELY a bath in my immediate future.

Thirdly, Fluffy.  She's not Princess Peanut, but she's been my constant companion for a week as we take walks during the day, snuggle at night, and share treats at the table.

But how do I FEEL?  Well, there's been so much pain from the burns I haven't really thought about it.  Lucky, most of all.  Very fortunate.  Grateful.  Still searching for my new purpose, but I've found my peace which is really what I hoped to accomplish over the past year.  I'm making a list of things I want to do - write a short series paper about my year in Kosovo, work on a book with my Uncle Larry (award winning author), get my house repairs done, visit Ireland to pay my respects to Barbara, etc.  Right now most of my goals are short term goals to help my sister (defrost the freezer, organize the pantry, clean the house, etc.) - but I'm looking forward to longer term things as well.  And it's nice to have that long term mindset again.

Being with my nieces full time is HILARIOUS.  For whatever reason, they listen to me as opposed to their mother most of the time.  So when I tell them no wifi/television until their chores and homework are done, they give me the look of abject depression - BUT THEY DO THEM.  And then I leave them in peace.

Not that it's easy with a 10 year old who is more stubborn than I am and a 14 year old going through all the teenage angst.  But it's definitely worth it.  When they try something I cook and actually enjoy it (or even if they try it and don't like it, it's a compliment), when they ask if they can help me with something, when they ask if I can help THEM with something.....there won't be many more years when it's "cool" to hang out with Aunt Knikki - and I'm really enjoying the time while I can.

Can't wait until quarantine is over and we can adventure  (and by adventure, I mean going to Starbucks for coffee with them - I'm not insane).