Riding a Bike - May 22, 2022

Sobriety is like Riding a Bicycle

When you first start to pedal, it's difficult - you're starting from a dead stop, and it takes alot of energy to get that bike in motion.  But as you keep pedaling and gain momentum, it becomes easier and you start to enjoy the scenery instead of just focusing on the effort of moving forward.

No matter how much practice you have, you sometimes fall off the bike.  You hit a pothole, or an unforeseen patch of ice, and you go down.

It doesn't change the fact that you've come a long way - it doesn't minimize the progress you've made - as long as you scrape yourself off and start pedaling again.

Don't misunderstand - I'm not struggling at the moment, I'm on day 22 and loving my new group much more than I expected.  I'm determined and ready to start making more changes on day 30 that I'm beyond excited for - nervous, scared, apprehensive - absolutely!   But ready to continue to the journey and ride!

Why Now? Assignment 1.2 - May 16, 2022

 When I was in my early 20’s, I decided one day that I wasn’t getting enough life experience and booked a ticket to New Zealand for the summer.  I had no money, but I did have a pen pal there that had invited me to stay so off I went into the great unknown.  It was an amazing trip – in addition to spending time with my friend, I worked on an avocado farm, stayed at hostels, worked in a coal mine, travelled through both the north and south islands, and made friends that I keep in contact with to this day.

One memory I will never forget is the day I went Bungy Jumping.  This was something on my bucket list, and I’d done a ton of research about the best company to work with and their safety record – the one I chose having had zero fatalities/accidents.

Having paid my fees, I slowly walked across the bridge to the platform.  Two good looking young men strapped my feet and ankles into the bungy device, my weight obviously displayed on the back of my hand in permanent marker so the jump crew knew exactly how to maneuver the settings for optimal excitement without me plummeting into the freezing waters below.

They began to count backwards from three.   Two.   One……

I froze.  In fairness, I’m looking down from Kawarau Bridge about 150 feet to my certain death and I wasn’t sure this was a great item to place on my Bucket List after all.

They counted down again.  Nothing.

I asked if they could push me off – they said no, legally I had to do it on my own.

They counted down a third time and again, I just stood there staring down.  The two men started to tell jokes and offered to sing American country western music.  This went on for about twenty minutes.  I don’t really remember that – but I do remember that something in my brain shifted.  One of the operators noticed it, too – he held his hand up to silence the second guy and then started to count backwards.  

Three…..two…..one…..

I jumped.

I jumped from the platform and screamed the entire time as I fell and bounced back upwards.   I don’t remember anything after jumping off until I was safely in the boat below, adrenaline pumping – anxious to run all the way back up the mountain and do it again.  Fortunately, two busses of Japanese tourists had arrived just in time to record my plight – and having survived, they all ran to get in line for their turn.  The video is amazing to watch – I’m really proud of that moment. 

The point of this story is – I couldn’t do it until I was ready.  So when you ask me, “Why now?” the only response I can give you is, “I’m ready to jump.”

I’ve hurt enough people, I’ve made enough mistakes, I’ve pissed away more hours than I can count that I can never recover.  Life is so short, and there is so much left I have to do.  I’m standing on that platform rethinking the choices that brought me to this moment and with a strange bout of clarity, I can say, “Let’s do this.”

I know it’s not something that I can do alone – I know it’s not something that I can continue to hide from friends and family.  I wouldn’t judge anyone for how they orchestrate their sobriety, I can only tell you that FOR ME, I needed people to know that I’m choosing this path because I DON’T want the cancer to return.  I DON’T want to further disrupt or destroy the amazing friendships I have or alienate my family members, who have watched me struggle for years.

At Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, people always talk about hitting rock bottom before they turned their lives around – so I waited for it because I knew I wasn’t anywhere near the rock bottom.  I haven’t had any DUIs, I don’t drink at work, the end of my marriage turned out to be a good thing for both of us – I never had that level of despair that others speak about.  I don’t have tremendous feelings of shame and guilt – primarily because I black out after 2 drinks, and I literally remember nothing the next morning.

I’m sure my best friend thought about walking away.  I know my sister stopped speaking to me on at least one occasion because I was drinking too much. Relationships were affected but not destroyed - there wasn’t any ONE significant event that changed my brain and led me to this decision, it was the culmination of many factors.

Had I not chosen to take this step now, how would my life be six months from now?  My guess is that I’d probably be another 10 pounds heavier and I’d be isolating myself even more from friends for the sake of staying home to drink.  I’d cancel social events, make excuses for missing local festivals that sound like fun, and probably continue to struggle financially to make ends meet despite the fact that I have a great job.

Perhaps my best friend would have had enough of my lies and deception and would have moved away – maybe I would have disappointed my sister again by not being there when she needed a listening ear and sober advice – perhaps I would have taken that fourth fall and not been as lucky as I have been, and I’d be laying in a coffin underground.  There’s a good chance I’d have been arrested for driving under the influence – something I’ve always sworn that I’ve never done, only to discover that I may have been driving with unsafe blood alcohol levels without realizing it.  I don’t know. 

I do know I wouldn’t be as clear headed as I feel today – I wouldn’t be achieving levels of productivity that are unheard of in the past few years (at home AND at work) – I couldn’t be waking up early ready to hit the day with energy, focus and optimism.  I wouldn’t be taking strong PROACTIVE measures to be around for the weddings of my nieces and nephews (who are my joy).  The clarity of what I have to gain helps – it doesn’t take away the cravings, or the instinct to stop and pick up a bottle – but it definitely reminds my brain of the rewards of GOOD decisions.

So to say it’s going to be easy moving forward would be a lie – but it’s most definitely going to be worth it to stick around for the joy and adventures ahead.  I'm ready.

Three.....

Two.....

One.....

A New Journey - Assignment 1.1 Costs & Payoffs of Addiction 5/14/22

 A NEW JOURNEY - 5/14/22

I've been debating whether or not to blog - now that my blood cells are in much better shape, and I've been fully vaccinated and boostered - I'm starting on another new adventure.  The journey to sobriety.

Most of my friends don't know the struggles I've had with alcohol (specifically wine) for the past several years.  It began when John committed suicide ten years ago - I was in Europe, I was on my own, I didn't have any of the coping skills or mechanisms I needed to deal with that much emotion so I simply drown it out.  I drank it away.

Over the course of ten years, the problem worsened - I won't go into those details, we all deal with life's traumas (and there have been many).  I'd quit for awhile, and then turn back to alcohol when things got too difficult.  And the worst part is I continued to do this KNOWING that the wine was a significant factor in my cancer.  KNOWING that the chance of a relapse increased with every drink.  That's the power of addiction - it affects your brain in ways that non-addicts don't understand.  It's not just a matter of quitting - because in the midst of the drinking, I couldn't think clearly to make better choices.

Now I'm in a program, and I'm thriving - it seems that the time is right to make some changes. As part of this program, we do have homework - and I'm going to share that here.  If you're not interested in this journey - I'm not offended at all.  But I feel like writing it down will manifest my truth and assist me in recovering, so here we go...

The PAYOFFS of Drinking:

1) It relaxes me emotionally

2) It makes me feel numb / there's no emotional or physical pain

3) I don't have to be in charge of everything & can avoid difficult responsibilities

4) It's comfortable - it was a daily habit for a long time

5) It helped me survive cancer, the loss of my father, the deaths of my cancer buddy Ben, my friend Barbara, and my beloved Princess Peanut.

6)  It helps me poop.  Yes, that's true - it's a gastric bypass thing.

7) It relaxes my muscles - sometimes so much that I end up sleeping in weird frat boy passed out at a party positions, which really sucks the next day

8) I have less anxiety with a drink in my hand 

9) The "forbidden fruit" of alcohol having been raised in a strict religious home feels deliciously wicked.

10) I love the taste of really good wine.

The COSTS of drinking:

1)  Weight gain.  So. Much. Weight.

2) Financial - so much WASTED money over the years

3) I lie when I drink and I lie about my drinking

4) Clueless about my level of intoxication - I honestly believe I'm sober when science proves that I am not

5) I can't remember what I said, what I did, or what I purchased on Amazon the night before

6) Not sure who to apologize to or what for the next day

7) Drunken Facebook posts = BAD

8) I'm not available to friends and family when they need me - I'm "spaced out"

9) Wine was a significant factor in my cancer - it didn't cause it, but it's definitely why it spread so quickly according to my oncologist

10) Health - wine affects my bloodwork.  It only returned to normal when I was sober

11) Sleep - I don't have quality sleep after drinking alcohol - I wake up at 4 a.m.

12) I belch alot.  It's gross.  We're not even going to talk about wine farts.

13) Lost trust with friends and family

14) I can be a real ass when I'm drinking - you never know if you're going to get Jekyll or Hyde

15) Balance - I've had three bad falls in the last year with long term physical consequences.  If I hadn't had wine, maybe I could have avoided the dogs that are continually trying to trip me.

16) I can't drive myself or others to the hospital in an emergency

17) Wine changes my attitude - I'm lazy, more paranoid and pessimistic - definitely not myself

18) I can't afford really good wine

19) I don't care about any of these costs after the first drink

20)  It's never just one drink.

65. Bumps in the Road - The Story of Life

 

Things really have been better - I feel amazing, my counselor and I have really been successful working through some of the significant grief issues that I've been facing.  Nobody teaches you how to grieve - and granted, it's a process that's different for everyone - but stuffing it down and pretending you're not bothered is absolutely not a healthy was to work on loss.  So as difficult as the process has been, I'm very grateful for her guidance.

I saw the oncologist - he's highly concerned because my white blood cells have gotten lower rather than improved, making my immune system even more fallible.

But I feel GREAT.

There's just a lurking undercurrent that catching Covid would have devastating results while my white blood cells remain at 1.2  (normal would be 4 - 11) so I continue my isolation whenever possible and mask up whenever I'm out of the house.

Next step is going to be a bone marrow biopsy to see if the chemo/radiation damaged my bone marrow.  Which doesn't sound like a great deal of fun - in fact, I'm REALLY not looking forward to it.  At all.

But I think about the ongoing issues, and I know that despite the rising costs - I'm in a job that affords me decent insurance.  I'm not at risk of losing my house if I'm taking care of my health.  For that, I am EXTREMELY fortunate.

Since I'm isolated at home - I get alot of painting done, I do alot of pottery, I am reading books again just for the love of it - which has lowered my stress level and increased my mindfulness.  But it does make for a very dull blog.  (And I'm okay with that!)

64. Steps in the RIGHT direction

Last year, in the midst of a pandemic, I was blessed with the most amazing support from friends - from coworkers - from my boss & his boss. Battling cancer through chemo and radiation was just something you do - like getting dressed in the morning - there's no emotion to it, it's what you do if you want to live.

But being home - you're not hearing from friends & family so regularly to see how you're doing, because you DON'T have cancer anymore. All good, right? Not really. Cancer causes significant PTSD - I spent days worrying and nights not sleeping wondering whether or not it will return. Trying to adjust to the lack of communication, the isolation of the pandemic in a new town where I don't have alot of friends, hiding in my cave of fear and adapting to the stress of a new job, a major home repair, a sick pet, the side effects of my cancer maintenance drugs - it's been tougher than all of last year combined.

- I've started talking to a counselor to work through the fear and anxiety of wondering if it will return. - I've started working out and eating more cleanly (which has helped FAR more than I anticipated).

- I've signed up for monthly massages, because that's my favorite form of self-care.

- I'm doing WELL. But it took some time to mentally get myself here. (And alot of help from my bestie, who knows when I'm struggling even if I don't communicate it)

Some good news:

- My shoulder won't need surgery thanks to an amazing physical therapist and orthopedic doctor

- My dog has recovered from breast cancer surgery (she's still blind and deaf, but it hardly slows her down)

- My kitchen is absolutely beautiful - worth the pain and agony of the six months repair work

- Eating cleanly is having a positive effect on my waistline

So thank you to everyone for your amazing support - and thank you for your patience as I disappeared for awhile. I'm taking better care of me so I'll be around to take care of all of you when you're going through struggles. Please don't hesitate to reach out - we're a tribe. We will see each other through and be stronger for it.

63. Lions and Tigers and Bears (a.k.a. Concussions, torn muscles and bruises)

 After spending most of last year in various hospitals and clinics, I have been VERY MUCH looking forward to some relaxation on my return to the United States.

However, relaxation wasn't quite in my cards.

Since I returned in January, I've had a concussion, a torn intercostal muscle in my chest, a mangled toe that will require surgery, a torn rotator cuff AND bicep tendon tear (which will also likely require surgery), another abnormal mammogram that had me in tears for three days (everything is all right at the moment).

NOT THE  RELAXING RECOVERY YEAR I had in mind.  

The home repairs have skyrocketed from $30k to $102,000 - which I don't have  (these are the joys of buying an older home).

My dog has just been diagnosed for a second time with breast cancer.

My brother has disowned my sister (and possibly me as well).

It's as if I can't catch a break.

And yet.....

My garden is blossoming.

My home is being repaired and will be beautiful when completed - we'll figure out the financing later.

I'm getting stronger every day.

Pottery classes are the bomb.

I love my job.

I truly have the most remarkable friends on this earth.

There is just SO MUCH to be grateful for - this is something that hit home when I was going through chemo and radiation - I am so incredibly fortunate in so many ways, that it's hard to get caught up in the tough stuff - even when it feels insurmountable at times.

Things are never going to be EASY.  Things are never going to be PERFECT.  I don't have any rich elderly relatives that are going to leave me their millions.  (Although, hey - Bill Gates is back on the market now, ladies, amIright?)

But life is good.  Life is really good.  And even though I'm limping, and in a sling, and feeling like I'm about 80 - I'm loving each and every day that I've been given since cancer.

Find something good today.  Find something to be grateful for.  Something to be happy about.  Something to look forward to.  It makes all the difference in the world.

62. The Specialist

 I saw the specialist today - one of the top doctors in Germany for Breast Cancer. What I can tell you is:

1) I'm not imminently in danger, despite my white blood cells - I just have to watch it and be safe

2) The VERY weird things I've been experiencing (hot flashes & chills, bone pain) are normal with the medicine I'm on

3) I'm not on that medicine anymore as of tomorrow

4) The doctor is RIDICULOUSLY good looking. And the fact that I noticed is a sign that my soul is not entirely dead.