I saw the specialist today - one of the top doctors in Germany for Breast Cancer. What I can tell you is:
Had a bit of a scare yesterday - actually, quite a scare - about midway through the day I started shivering uncontrollably. I had on three pairs of socks, a hat, two jackets - and I still couldn't break the chill. Eventually I got into bed under four blankets and with a little space heater turned up full blast - after about an hour, it got a little better.
I wasn't running a fever so I didn't immediately go to the hospital, despite my doctor's recommendation - it would have meant calling Wendy and having her return from work early on a day I know she had a ton of things to finish. And she would have done it without a second thought or complaint - but who WANTS to go to a hospital? So I decided to sit it out and see.
The girls took really good care of me - mostly because I made it their chore (meaning they didn't have to clean anything else before dinner.) Evelyn decided I needed a hat, so she brought me her "Drama Queen" had and earmuffs. She even let me use her poop emjoi blanket when the four I already had over me weren't enough. It was actually really sweet.
Wendy came home and shortly after I went to bed - I could barely get up the stairs without passing out, and I just kept saying "This is WEIRD." And still no fever. A few hours later, I woke up sweating horribly under my hoard of blankets - and nothing I did could get my body to cool down. I opened the windows, laid on the cold floor and turned on a fan until I felt comfortable enough to go back to sleep with a single blanket.
This morning, everything hurts - probably from 16 hours of uncontrollable shivering - and I have a raging headache. But I'm not plagued with chills or hot flashes at the moment, and so the trip to the hospital is off the table (thankfully!)
That's the thing that I find hardest about post-cancer care - EVERYTHING scares you. Things you would have brushed off before cancer suddenly cause you to question your health in the scariest of ways.
I'm not complaining - just sharing parts of my story. Maybe they'll help someone else - maybe it's just helpful to me to express them.
So, I've been in Germany over a month now - it's been filled with ups and downs like anything else in life. I've caught everything the girls have brought home from school and been quarantined by the Garrison twice. But I haven't caught COVID and I'm continuing to grow my hair back and feel more "normal" every day.
Today I got a call from the doctor in Stuttgart letting me know that the results of my bloodwork were not good. Although a year without fried food did GREAT THINGS for my cholesterol, and I wasn't at risk for Diabetes at present - I have developed Neutropenia. This is not uncommon after chemotherapy - basically your body doesn't regenerate white blood cells the way it should - so you're susceptible to anything and everything, which then becomes a potentially life threatening issue. "Any fever should take you straight to the emergency room, and you need to tell them you have neutropenia - although their blood work will show that." She also warned me that COVID would almost certainly NOT turn out well for me.
Take this news on the day that thousands of Germans are standing before the Brandenburg Gate without masks protesting that their rights are being violated by trying to force mask requirements and social distancing. It's a TERRIFYING place to be. Although I'm extremely good about wearing my mask and avoiding others, it's alarming to see how many people simply refuse as a matter of "right" without thinking about how it potentially affects others.
Now I say this with caution - because I DO believe that my safety is firstly MY responsibility, and I don't go places where there are hoards of people - especially people without masks. But still - when did being a decent human being become a violation of someone's rights? I'm really struggling with that.
I'm being asked to share an office with another person - someone who doesn't believe that he should be required to wear a mask - EVER. And it scares me more than a little. I want to respect his beliefs, and support him - but I DON'T want to share an office with him if it puts my life at risk.
So many thoughts - so much emotion right now. It's going to be a battle to stay healthy for the next year - and to make sure I'm eating cleanly and staying as healthy as I can. I'm doing that. Because there's SO, SO much to look forward to in this life. So many friends I want to hug - so many babies I want to kiss - so many places I want to see.......
Much has changed in the past week.
First of all, I'm OUT of Kosovo and safely ensconced in my sister's house in Germany. I've got another week of required quarantine, but it's been an awesome week so far thanks to my sister's pre-planning. I've made homemade tzatziki, swiss zucchini rolls, coconut shrimp - it's been a week of fresh fruit and vegetables without a SINGLE use of the microwave. I feel like I'm in heaven after 8 months of eating in my barracks room.
Secondly, there's a BATHTUB - although i haven't been able to take one yet due to the third degree burns I suffered during radiation therapy. They got much, much worse after my last treatment - the skin turned black, and blistered in other places - and the pain has been so great I can hardly walk around. But after a week, it's starting to get a little better and I managed to get a full night of sleep for the first time last night. There is DEFINITELY a bath in my immediate future.
Thirdly, Fluffy. She's not Princess Peanut, but she's been my constant companion for a week as we take walks during the day, snuggle at night, and share treats at the table.
But how do I FEEL? Well, there's been so much pain from the burns I haven't really thought about it. Lucky, most of all. Very fortunate. Grateful. Still searching for my new purpose, but I've found my peace which is really what I hoped to accomplish over the past year. I'm making a list of things I want to do - write a short series paper about my year in Kosovo, work on a book with my Uncle Larry (award winning author), get my house repairs done, visit Ireland to pay my respects to Barbara, etc. Right now most of my goals are short term goals to help my sister (defrost the freezer, organize the pantry, clean the house, etc.) - but I'm looking forward to longer term things as well. And it's nice to have that long term mindset again.
Being with my nieces full time is HILARIOUS. For whatever reason, they listen to me as opposed to their mother most of the time. So when I tell them no wifi/television until their chores and homework are done, they give me the look of abject depression - BUT THEY DO THEM. And then I leave them in peace.
Not that it's easy with a 10 year old who is more stubborn than I am and a 14 year old going through all the teenage angst. But it's definitely worth it. When they try something I cook and actually enjoy it (or even if they try it and don't like it, it's a compliment), when they ask if they can help me with something, when they ask if I can help THEM with something.....there won't be many more years when it's "cool" to hang out with Aunt Knikki - and I'm really enjoying the time while I can.
Can't wait until quarantine is over and we can adventure (and by adventure, I mean going to Starbucks for coffee with them - I'm not insane).
Well, that's it. I'm done. No more chemo. No more radiation. Just some pills I'll be taking for a good long while (pills that cause Uterine cancer and other issues, but nevermind that today...) And i'm in a weird, weird place.
I'm not sure how I feel - this has been my primary focus for such a long time. My PURPOSE. And now, here I am with my whole life ahead of me and not sure what to do next. Except that I'm making plans - LONG term plans. Getting back to Broadway when it reopens. Visiting friends and family when I'm stateside again. Taking some pottery and stained glass classes.
Plans. It's a start.
This week went by pretty quickly - I spent a good deal of time with my dogs at the border inside Macedonia. They are far too skinny to survive the winter, and though I can't save them all - I want to. I really, really want to (except that one black one, who's a huge bully)
The radiation burns are FIERCE y'all. FIERCE. Like a sunburn on top of a sunburn that then gets sunburned again. It's blistering and painful and no amount of "approved cream" seems to be helping. But at least it's done. So it will start to heal - and hopefully the swelling in my arm will start to diminish as well. Radiation was DEFINITELY causing bad lymphedema.
Anyway.....today I cried. I cried for my Dad. I cried for Barbara. I cried for Ben. I stopped focusing on the treatment and started looking towards the future, but there are still some things in the recent past I have to grieve to move on. Now I can do that.
This is the really weird thing.
I'm worried that nobody will think of me now.
I'm no longer the girl with cancer. I'm no longer on everyone's worry list (for which I am hugely grateful). I'm no longer stuck in a third world country. I'm just an average Joe working for the government out of Germany trying to get by. Paying bills. Working on my house. Trying to survive the pandemic long enough to get back to "real life".
Shouldn't that be enough? What is this drive that constantly makes me want to feel SPECIAL and DIFFERENT and SOMETHING?
Like I said....I'm in a weird place. But it's a cancer free weird place, and I'll take it.
I got popped for a random COVID test this week. Oy. I can still remember the last time I got one and how painful it was for hours and hours.
I showed up at the hospital at 8:00 and there were A HUNDRED PEOPLE standing in line without social distancing, most with their masks down below their chin. I said, "Nope!" and sat about 100 yards away - then realized this was going to take some time, so I went and got coffee then came back, resigned to my fate.
But....I saw something wondrous.
THE MASSAGE TEAM IS BACK! Now, this is awesome in and of itself, but Preveze is trained in lymphatic massage - so this is medically INCREDIBLY for me. Suddenly, the prospect of someone scraping my brain cells through my nostril didn't seem like the end of the world. (happily, they have gotten MUCH better at it and it wasn't nearly as traumatic as I was expecting)
We set up a time just after my work schedule ended and i got an awesome massage to include manual lymphatic drainage. My arm is now half the size it was this morning and doesn't hurt nearly as bad.
Miracle of miracles.
It will take at least a week for the test results to come back, since they send them to Landstuhl in Germany for processing. But honestly, I'm not worried. I'm still isolated all the time - and I feel stronger and stronger every day.
(I even exceeded 8,000 steps today - so getting more and more active as the weeks continue)
One week remains of radiation and then, with any luck, I'll be leaving Kosovo. I can honestly say that I'm so grateful for my time here. I definitely could not have gotten through this year if I weren't sober - and dealing with things as they arose. Kosovo has been a tremendous help for that.
Even now, when the beer garden is open on base - it's not a temptation for me. I'm not saying I won't have a glass of wine here and there - I very well might. But I've conquered that particular demon - and knowing how sugar affects cancer cells, I don't see the benefit of drinking if it's going to feed those little buggers. I don't want to take this journey again.
My hair is growing back!
When I'm driving to Skopje every day, there is a dog (a border collie mix, no less) that sleeps at the border crossing on the Macedonia side. Often I bring a small bag of dog food or treats and ask the customs agents to give it to the dog.
On Wednesday, I drove through and held the small bag out of the car window and the agent looked at me oddly.
"What? What is that?"
"It's for the dog."
"For the dog?"
<i point at the dog> "For the dog. Food for the dog."
"You spent MONEY? ON THE DOG?????"
<he gives me a generic look of disgust>
At that point the female customs agent that I see most days ran over and took it and thanked me with a big smile.
I have to keep reminding myself that they view dogs very differently over here - and in fact, it's been said that people will intentionally try to run over stray dogs because they are unsocialized and viewed as a menace.
There's also a pack of feral dogs that live just over the Macedonian border on the side of the road by a little "Car Wash" stand. I'll often stop and drop food off there, since they mostly get food out of the garbage dump.
I don't normally touch them - because they are filthy and unsocialized.
However....
On Friday, the car wash was closed and the whole pack was laying around relaxing. So I got out and started pouring food. ALL the dogs came over, wagging their tails. One dog kept barking and scaring the other dogs away from the food (alpha dog) so I yelled at him and shook my finger and he backed away. I called to the other (afraid) dogs and put more food down for them.
I even petted one -the one I nicknamed Goldie - he's often on his own, and wags his tail vehemently when I see him. I let him sniff the back of my hand, and carefully gave him a scratch behind the ears. His tail increased wagging tenfold. So I called him a good boy and kept rubbing his head.
To which, the other (non-alpha) dogs immediately came over and tried to nudge his head out of the way so they could get head scratches. Oh, it made my heart hurt. I want to rescue them. ALL of them. I want to take them to the vet and get their hurts looked at - I want to bring them home and feed them and love them and let them sleep on cushy dog beds, especially as the weather is getting colder. I want to save them all. But I know I can't.
After CAUTIOUSLY scratching the four dogs, the alpha dog walked over to me and waited. I was like, "Nope. You're aggressive. Not putting my hand near you."
Okay, I want to save them all except one. I don't like bullies. Even though I think some love would fix him right up.
I'll try and get a picture of them next week so you can see how sweet they are. And how haggard. And beaten up. I WANT TO SAVE ALL THE DOGS. I wish I knew how - but there will always be more needing saved. Save the ones you can. Make a difference to THOSE dogs.
