58. Week #5 - the end of the line

Well, that's it.  I'm done.  No more chemo.  No more radiation.  Just some pills I'll be taking for a good long while (pills that cause Uterine cancer and other issues, but nevermind that today...)  And i'm in a weird, weird place.

I'm not sure how I feel - this has been my primary focus for such a long time.  My PURPOSE.  And now, here I am with my whole life ahead of me and not sure what to do next.  Except that I'm making plans - LONG term plans.  Getting back to Broadway when it reopens.  Visiting friends and family when I'm stateside again.  Taking some pottery and stained glass classes.  

Plans.  It's a start.

This week went by pretty quickly - I spent a good deal of time with my dogs at the border inside Macedonia.  They are far too skinny to survive the winter, and though I can't save them all - I want to.  I really, really want to (except that one black one, who's a huge bully)

The radiation burns are FIERCE y'all.  FIERCE.  Like a sunburn on top of a sunburn that then gets sunburned again.  It's blistering and painful and no amount of "approved cream" seems to be helping.  But at least it's done.  So it will start to heal - and hopefully the swelling in my arm will start to diminish as well.  Radiation was DEFINITELY causing bad lymphedema.

Anyway.....today I cried.  I cried for my Dad.  I cried for Barbara.  I cried for Ben.  I stopped focusing on the treatment and started looking towards the future, but there are still some things in the recent past I have to grieve to move on.  Now I can do that.

This is the really weird thing.  

I'm worried that nobody will think of me now.

I'm no longer the girl with cancer.  I'm no longer on everyone's worry list (for which I am hugely grateful).  I'm no longer stuck in a third world country.  I'm just an average Joe working for the government out of Germany trying to get by.  Paying bills.  Working on my house.  Trying to survive the pandemic long enough to get back to "real life".

Shouldn't that be enough?  What is this drive that constantly makes me want to feel SPECIAL and DIFFERENT and SOMETHING?   

Like I said....I'm in a weird place.  But it's a cancer free weird place, and I'll take it.