My doctor has repeatedly told me the new drug will be much easier on my body than the last three rounds, but I still have quite a lot of anxiety going into the latest round of chemo. Everyone responds differently, so there's really no way to know how easy or difficult it will be until you're in the middle of it - and though that should logically eliminate the need for worrying in advance, it doesn't.
Monday night I gave myself the shot of pre-chemo steroids prescribed by my doctor, but I really should have asked for more guidance. Does it matter WHERE I inject it? He said it wasn't intravenous, so I figured any subcutaneous fat pocket would be fine - but the needle the pharmacy sold me is OBVIOUSLY an intravenous needle because it's four inches long.
I stare at it for awhile and build up some courage then jab it into a squeezed fat roll and I'm done.
Well, that wasn't so difficult.
Four hours later I'm laying in bed and I wake suddenly - EVERY part of my body is asleep and waking with those painful tingles you get when your leg or your arm sits for too long. It's one of the weirdest things I've experienced - to have that quite literally over my entire body at the same time. It feels like I'm being electrocuted in my own bed.
I wonder if I injected incorrectly and this is my punishment. Would steroids do that? I don't know and Google won't tell me, so I get up ridiculously early and head to work, unable to stop my brain from running amok.
Shem picks me up for my appointment and we head to the hospital earlier than usual. He can tell I'm nervous, so he does his best to distract me on the ride - then drops me off at the doorway right on time. Because we're starting the next phase of treatments, my doctor needs to do advanced blood tests and a full ultrasound scan of my internal organs and breasts. Usually you do them a few days ahead, but he tells me since I'm driving so far away we can do it all at the same time.
Blood draw - easy.
Ultrasound - they use half a bottle of gel and give me two tiny paper towels to clean myself up. I laugh as the doctor walks out because I secretly packed a towel for JUST THIS REASON! HA!
The tests are all good and chemo begins. No nasty red drug, but still - another few hours of I.V. poison working to kill the cancer cells running through my body. I try reading. I try drawing. I can't concentrate on anything. The doctor comes in and tells me from now on he doesn't think I should be doing my own injections and prescribes pills instead. I shrug.
In a few hours, I'm on my way back to work.
The side effects have been different - I've been far more nauseous than before, and the body aches are terrible. I still have that weird "all my teeth are aching" pain the second night - but it goes away with some tylenol enough for me to sleep. A little.
This is really what it's like living with cancer every day. It's not terribly exciting or amusing - it's a daily mystery about what's going to hurt, how tired am I going to be, will I have any energy, will I be able to eat, etc.
I have eight more weekly sessions of the new drug - I hope the effects aren't as cumulative as the first set, but I'm prepared to weather it if it is. I made the choice when this started that I'd get through this - and I'm not about to get half way through and STOP being overly protective and dedicated to my recovery. There are too many things I'm looking forward to - I won't give up on that.
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