41. Kelly Preston and Sushi

Actress Kelly Preston, wife of John Travolta - with millions of dollars and access to the best care in the world died of breast cancer today.  If you think that's not completely freaking me out, you'd be dead wrong.

Nothing in this life is EVER certain and NO day is guaranteed.

Maybe having cancer is a blessing because I'm constantly reminded to tell people how grateful I am for their love in my life - and recall the lovely way each of them have changed it.

But I'm seriously freaked out today.

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Last week we went out to lunch at a sushi restaurant just outside the gate.  It was the day after chemo and I was feeling pretty good and ACHING for anything outside of the normal Groundhog Day life that I lead.  So my boss, my coworker and I jumped into the car and headed out.

As soon as I got there, the owner tried to fist bump me.  I declined.

I looked at the table, and it was......not super clean.

The silverware was.....not super clean.

There was a hair in my sushi roll......OBVIOUSLY not mine (since I have no hair).

And though we were the only people in the restaurant, I kept thinking - what an epitaph this would make.  "Died because she wanted a sushi roll"   I literally felt like one of those people in the news that DRIVE ME CRAZY.  "Hey, I went to a Covid party and caught Covid - DON'T be like me!"  "Hey, I celebrated spring break with 40,000 other teenagers and caught Coronavirus - DON'T be like me!"

I'm angry at myself for the betrayal.   I've spent four months meticulously protecting myself.  Attending no social activities.  Going from my room to my office and back again.  Eating in my room and avoiding the cafeteria.  Wiping things down like a paranoid immune system compromised freak of nature.  Doing EVERYTHING that I can to keep myself healthy during chemo.

Only to put myself potentially at risk.  For sushi.

Granted, I LOVE sushi.  I really do.  And the parts I did eat were a delicious change of pace from the same things I've been eating every day for four months.

But nothing is worth putting my life at risk for after so much diligence.  I won't do it again.  I will worry for the next two weeks, but I will spend the remainder of my time in chemo (ONLY five more weeks now) staying true to my ultimate goal of survival.

At the same time - I'm writing a will.  And thinking about power of attorney.  And planning for the worst potential outcome.  Because if it could happen to Kelly Preston.....