Okay two things:
1) I hate being in Kosovo right now. I hate being trapped here away from my friends and family. I hate being socially distanced with absolutely zero going on around base. I miss the few awesome friends I made who returned stateside as part of the normal troop rotation last week. Right now, being here alone SUCKS.
2) I am so, so, so, so, SO grateful to be here right now. Because even though this isn't where I WANT to be, this is where I need to be.
I've been sober now for quite a while - and I'm super happy about that, because my life is better and I am truly happier this way. There was a point in time in my life where wine was everything, and I have very little memory of those days - other than I didn't want to have to deal with life and the pain and my marriage falling apart.
I love being in Kosovo right now - a dry base, a Muslim country - an environment where, on those rare days on this cancer roller coaster that I just want to scream, "Fuck it!" and grab a bottle of wine - I honestly can't do that.
That's why I'm here.
That's why I CHOSE to come here.
And so I'm forced every day to deal with the emotions and the highs and lows that seem to be coming at me like a firehose on high, only without the sexy firefighter to distract me. THIS is such a wonderful gift. And it reiterates in my stubborn brain that I truly am strong - and able to weather just about any storm. Maybe with tears, maybe with some serious kick boxing at the gym - but DEALING with life as it comes.
I hope I set an example for my nieces and my nephews and my many, many dear and wonderful friends who are fighting in addiction. There is peace. There is strength. There is hope.
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On a completely unrelated note, I pulled out my own stitches today.
They were itchy.
I am feeling both SUPER bad ass and a little stupid.
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