6. Faith, Friends and Family

I don't talk about my faith much - for the longest time, to be frank, there wasn't any to talk about.  I spent my childhood in a church where I felt different and unworthy for no reason other than my outward appearance.  In college, I didn't date anyone who was heterosexual - and when I tried to understand what was wrong with me and why nobody wanted to date me I was simply told, "You'll find your happiness in the next life."

What kind of bullshit is that?

Eventually I simply stopped trying.  Stopped attending church.  Stopped believing.  Explored atheism, Buddhism, Catholicism, Protestantism, Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - nothing really "clicked" with me so I just happily stayed ABSENT from the world of faith and religion.  For decades.

Then something remarkable happened during my time in Ireland last year.  I met a priest who taught me, by example, how much God loved me.  He taught me about forgiveness - mostly forgiveness of myself for all the baggage I had been carrying around for decades.  He rid me of the belief that there WAS or IS something wrong with me.  He showed me my goodness.  REALLY showed me what God's love was all about.

This man, who brought me back into my faith through his example and kindness and humanity was an alcoholic.  He struggled with demons of his own - he was imperfect - and because of that, I related to him and trusted him and loved him with my whole heart.  He gave me the strength to re-embrace God into my life and helped me build the relationship I have with Him today.

And then died.

At first I was really angry - like REALLY ANGRY - but I started to understand that if I loved this man as much as I did, I can only imagine how much God loved him for all the amazing work that he did.  Maybe God missed him as much as I miss him today.   (And you know what, if you're not into faith and God and afterlife and all that, it's completely okay - but please recognize that I am happy at the peace that I've achieved and don't mock or try to dissuade me from my beliefs.)

Since then, the CRIPPLING fear and anxiety that I've felt my entire life about death is gone.  I don't court it.  I have GREAT plans to see my nieces married and take pictures of my nephews on their first dates, and watch them grow and become amazing adults.  I WANT that more than anything.

But hours before I head into surgery, I do have to face the fact that there are always risks and nothing is guaranteed.  I'm not afraid of death (although I won't go without a fight) - my biggest fear is dying without telling my friends and my family how important they are to me.  To make sure that each and every one of them SPECIFICALLY knows the ways in which they've changed and enriched my life.  That's what I plan to do instead of Christmas cards this year.  I'm going to write letters of love and gratitude to everyone I can think of - no matter how much time it takes.

And if, by the smallest chance, God decides he misses me too much to let me stay - I'll be among the best company.  Father Dom, my grandparents, my friends that have passed before me.  So I'm at peace.

(Full disclosure - I'm also on a pretty great dose of Valium, because even when you have peace - there's still quite a bit of anxiety involved in this stuff.)